I was in the living room, mid-match on my Xbox, when she walked in and said she had something to tell me. I asked her to wait until the game was over. I was still chatting with my friends afterward, but she snapped. “You really need to talk to me.
”
So I got off the game. Her mood was strange, serious. I thought she was going to tell me she got scammed or spent too much on something stupid. Instead, she sat down and said the words I never expected to hear from her mouth:
“I cheated on you.
”
I froze. She tried to soften it, saying it was a long time ago, back in the first half of our marriage. I couldn’t respond. I never imagined it would happen to me.
The first question in my head was whether I could forgive it. . but then she gave me the details. .
The first time, she said, was before we had been married for two years. Itit was with the husband of one of her friends. I knew him. We weren’t friends, but we were familiar.
That made it worse—he had probably seen me after their affair and still joked around with me. It only went on for two months, she said, and they only met a handful of times. I chose to believe her, because she admitted it herself. Eventually we moved out of that city.
. Then she said, ““There’s one more. ”
I felt like I was going to have a panic attack. My heart was pounding.
I hadn’t felt that bad ever. . The other guy was a random person she met at a bar. They went out a few times,she claimed, initially as friends.
One day she followed him home,and that was when things got out of hand. She said she regretted it,but it was exciting,so she did it again. . I asked her when she was going to bars.
That led to more dishonesty coming out. . I remembered a month when she was working on a project and staying late. The project was real,she stayed late a lot,but not all the time.
Some of those times,she just didn’t come home early. She went bar hopping with colleagues,and a few times alone. Alone was when she found this guy. .
I was so mad. I don’t think I’ve ever been that angry before⌊. It took me a long time before I could speak to her. And she just sat there quietly.
I asked her why she chose to tell me. She said she felt guilty,and she needed to come clean for her peace of mind. If I asked her whether she cared about my peace of mind,she said some bull about how I wouldn’t truly have peace of mind if I didn’t know the truth. I didn’t agree.
I was fine before. . I told her to leave. Before she did,she said she was sorry.
Confessing to the affair was the right thing to do. I just wish I never had to be the one to confess to. . This happened less than a week ago.
I’ve been thinking a lot. I wonder if there was something that could have been done. Could I have done more in any aspect of being a husband? I’m not blaming myself.
Just curious. If I was ten times better in the bedroom,would that have helped? Was the mistake marrying her of all people? Is there some way you can know a cheater before they actually cheat?
I’ve told myself that the answer is no,but I’m still struggling to convince myself. . I don’t think that I can forgive her. She’s caused me a lot of pain,too much pain.
I’ve been struggling to sleep. Even at work,I get pockets where I just can’t concentrate. Because if you love someone that way I loved her,you’ll understand how painful this was. It’s easy to distance yourself emotionally when you’re just reading this.
I pray you don’t experience a cheating partner. It kills you from the inside. . Update one.
I didn’t think I was going to write an update. After all that happened,my mental health tanked. I was off the internet for a long time. That’s why I didn’t reply to anything.
My wife moved out of the apartment at my request. I couldn’t have her there anymore because she was doing the whole Kumbaya thing,confessing to her sins and all of that. She didn’t fight. She just left.
I got the chance to get my thoughts together and be less of a wreck. I still stick by some of the things I said at the end of my last post. I feel less passionate about those viewpoints,but at the core,I maintain what I said. I reached out to her because I wanted to ask questions,considering I was better adjusted at that point.
I asked whether her friend or her partner’s wife knew about it. She said no. If I asked why not,she said it wasn’t her place to confess. It was up to her husband.
I pointed out that she had betrayed her friend,too,but she refused to see it that way. The most she could do was advise her friend’s husband to confess,and at that point,she could come forward to her friend. The reasoning was annoying me. I assumed she was scared of telling her friend.
I was pissed that she found it easy enough to tell me,though. Next,I asked her about the guy at the bar. I got his name. I asked the last time they had spoken,and she said he reached out on Facebook here and there,but after a while,she just stopped responding to him.
Then I wanted to find out whether she had thought of cheating on me since then. She hesitated,but eventually said it almost happened once. She liked the person,set a date and time,but bowed out. Her conscience did the right thing,and she said it like she wanted me to applaud.
I told her to tell me what she thought was going to happen to us after her confession. She didn’t want to say anything. I guess she realized that any answer would make her look bad. I pushed for an answer,though.
““It’s up to you. I will take any outcome you think is right. ”
At that point,I think I was still very undecided. I was leaning toward divorce.
I wanted to give it a chance,however. She suggested we go for therapy. We did one session together,and it only set me off. It fixed nothing.
So,I told her there was no point. I also did two solo sessions,but I realized then that there was no forgiveness in me. I could choose to keep going,and maybe I’d get over it for the most part. The problem I realized was that I couldn’t trust her anymore.
Things were poisoned. It’s going to be divorce. I’ve spoken to a lawyer. I’ll have her served as soon as I can.
I just want this whole thing to be over. It’s been enough of a headache. . Update two.
. I served my wife with the divorce papers. It happened on a weekend. She told me where she was staying,so it was easy for the process server to find her and deliver the papers.
She didn’t call me when she got them. Instead,she just showed up at the apartment a few hours later. She didn’t seem angry,but she said that we had to talk. She kept trying to find out if I was sure,and I emphasized to her that I was.
It was no doubt in my mind that things had to end between us because there wasn’t a future. It was the consequence of her actions. She cheated,and she confessed. She left the decision up to me,and I chose to end our happy little life together after 6 years.
She told me that she understood. She promised me that she was going to make the divorce easy. That way,we’d spend less on legal costs,and we’d get closure quicker. She didn’t keep her word,though.
When the divorce came,I put out what I thought was a very fair split. It leaned more towards me,but that was fair. She cheated,and she confessed. There was no reason why she deserved any more than what I put aside for her.
Her claim of trying to make things very easy disappeared. I’m sure what had happened was that the moment she and her lawyer went over the documents,they realized how much she stood to gain. It’s not like life-changing money,but it was a sum that would make life nicer for about a year or two. They wanted every dime they could get.
That was how things became drawn out,and I hated it. My parents got divorced when I was a teenager,so I remember it very well. It was horrible because it was messy,and they fought a lot. It wasn’t messy in my case because I made sure it wasn’t messy.
I just hated the fact that it was going to go on for so long. When we got to the court,I already knew that I was going to get the short straw. Isn’t that how divorce is for men? The legal system sucks.
I got to keep the apartment. She received an order to pick up all her things within a week or I was free to do with them what I wanted. She did pick them up. She got a 50% split of our cash and the value of half of our stocks I had vested in.
I was irritated by that because I’ve done a lot of work when it comes to investments and she had no impact on any of that. I don’t have to pay alimony,and that might be the only way I might have come out on top. Now my wife is an ex-wife. It’s not the kind of thing I’d expect to be happy about,but I’m glad.
I hate that she wasted months of my life in the divorce process. I hate that she wasted years of my life in a marriage that wasn’t going to last. It’s over. I won’t spend too much time on regret and moping.
Life goes on,didn’t it? Update three. I never thought I’d return for yet another update,but here I am. This is very likely the last one.
If it is not,it means my life is becoming a lot more dramatic than I wish for. After the divorce is finalized,I was fine with not talking to my ex-wife or even thinking about her. I don’t know what it was,but the longer we were divorced,the,gmore I started to resent her. It’s crazy because I don’t feel that strongly about her even after she confessed to her affairs.
Maybe it was the impact of being alone and knowing that it was my new reality. I wanted to send her angry messages,but it was going to make me look weak. I always deleted the paragraphs I had typed. It was the day I saw her post herself at the spa that I felt triggered.
I didn’t want her to be happy. Mainly because it felt like she was using the money she took from me to do all of that. It hurt me a lot,and I chose to blow everything up. I called her friend and her husband.
It was a video call because I wanted to see their faces. I was closer to my ex-wife’s friend than I was to her husband. I wasn’t close enough to either of them to feel bad. They were suspicious that I was calling in the first place.
I’m sure the husband might have had an inkling. I didn’t waste time. I told them my ex-wife,and I were divorced. They said they knew,and they were sorry.
I followed up,and said that she had cheated on me,and one of the affair partners was the husband on the call. I mentioned that it happened years ago. His wife opened her mouth,and looked at him. She wasn’t sure what to believe.
He reacted over the phone,and ended the call. I didn’t bother calling back,because that was enough. Three days later,the wife called. She was angry at me,but she still wanted more info.
I shared all of it. I told her how I had questioned my ex about telling the truth to either of her or her husband,and what her response had been. Her friend felt betrayed. Naturally,I don’t know how things are going with her and her husband,but I know I ruined things between her and my ex.
I also searched for her second affair partner. He was hard to find,but I eventually did. He is married,but I had to find out if he was married back then. I learned he hadn’t been,but if he was like the average person,he was dating his wife when it happened.
I found her,and shared the information with her. The year in particular. It was up to her to find out whether it happened when they were together in any way. I didn’t follow up on that,because there’s really no point.
The last thing she told me was that they had been dating for most of that year,but it was possible that it happened at the start of the year before they were together. I found out how things had hit my ex,because she contacted me. ““You had absolutely no right. ”
I still remember how her voice was trembling with anger.
She was especially mad because we had talked about confessing all the round. She had been explicit about what she felt was right,and I had gone around it. She was very angry that I ruined her friendship. I told her very patiently that she ruined our marriage.
Her friendship didn’t deserve to be alive when she cheated with that friend’s husband. I did the right thing. If her friend chose to forgive her,that was fine,but she wasn’t allowed to smile with someone when she betrayed her,and slept with her husband. It didn’t make any sense.
I made it extremely clear that she was just dodging accountability by not confessing to everyone involved. I accused her of probably having someone on the side. Her confession was just a way to get me to end things without her putting in the effort. She got really mad at that.
Very mad. She hated the way the accusation made her seem. At a point,her anger started to seem exaggerated. I also let her know about her second affair partner.
I did a confession of my own,so she knew that I had told his wife. She said he wasn’t married back then. If I asked if she was sure,but she wasn’t,because he was next to a one-night stand. She knew so little about him,yet still cheated with him.
The bottom line was that she didn’t have the right to be angry. I made sure she understood,and that was the last of it. She came to my house later that night. She was drunk.
She made a huge scene. I didn’t open the door,because of how she was acting,and she eventually got the cops called on her,and was arrested for public intoxication. She was out soon after,but I’m sure she was humbled by that. The final thing I did was tell her family why we divorced.
I know for a fact that she didn’t tell them the truth. I don’t know if she painted me badly,but I just wanted to make sure that they knew what actually happened,even if they didn’t believe me. Naturally,they didn’t want to talk to me,but I got my message across,and that’s what matters the most. They might not want to admit it,but I’m sure at least a few of them believe me.
And that’s good enough. I’ve blocked her. I don’t have alimony to pay,so we don’t need to stay in contact. She talked back to me through Instagram in the end,angry at how I started to do too much to get back at her.
I never responded. I just blocked her there,too. I’m tired of everything,so I’m not looking for another piece of revenge. I’ve done enough.
It’s not the craziest,but it is enough for me. It has hit her hard enough for her to have been as angry as I’ve seen her. That’s a win for me. Women will be very hard to for me to trust going forward,but I’m going to try.
I don’t want her to ruin the entire gender for me. She couldn’t tell her friends she slept with her husband,because that wasn’t her place,but apparently fighting you tooth,and nail for stocks she never touched was her place. Priorities?
