Finally got the time to write it all out, so here’s how it went. I honestly wish I didn’t have to deal with it, but since I did, I genuinely can’t complain about the way it ended up. It was the best-case scenario if you were forced to deal with an open marriage. My ex-wife—let’s call her Alicia, 38—and I, 37, met back in college.
We only started talking when we were both seniors, and from there, things moved to a point where we started dating. I appreciated how willing she always was to talk through our issues and any concerns or problems we had in the relationship. A few years after we started dating, I proposed. A full year after that, we got married.
We had eight years of marriage before all the problems began. And yes, I put every last ounce of the marriage’s failure on her. I never felt like there was anything else our marriage craved. We weren’t super wealthy, but we were very comfortable.
We hardly struggled, and I never took that for granted, especially because I know how much damage finances can do to relationships. We went out regularly to have fun and keep things from being boring. The bedroom was a non-issue. But I had to sit there for almost a full minute contemplating what she said, thinking of what I was supposed to say to hit that in return.
I hadn’t said anything before she tried to rescue the situation. She said it wasn’t about that. I had no interest whatsoever in seeking someone else out. I was genuinely satisfied with her, but it was clear to me that I was on my own in that regard.
That hurt. I told her I was going to think about it, because naturally, it was a very heavy thing to process. I wasn’t interested in all that. However, I knew that if she started sleeping with other people, my urge to sleep with her would go down.
I didn’t want someone else’s sloppy seconds. At the same time, as much as I can realize how dumb this is now, I really thought about it. Unfortunately, that didn’t add any appeal, and I made that clear to her. I think what I ultimately realized was that making that decision to open things up was not permanent.
If I didn’t like it and somehow still wanted to be with her, that was a possibility. “I knew the threesome thing would get you on board. ” I made it clear that the threesome did not change a thing for me. She didn’t seem convinced because she had a smirk on her face.
One thing I’ve noticed in the past is that women like to share their intimate exploits with men they get close enough to. I have no idea why. I think it might be because some of these women don’t have female friends they can talk to about that sort of thing, so they settle on guys since we tend to be more comfortable with them. She was clearly trying to turn me into the person she could gush about each night.
I was certainly not going to allow that to become my role, although I was amused by how she might have reacted if I came to her with an in-depth story about someone I slept with. I could imagine that wouldn’t go down well. At the end of the whole thing, the only real ground rules we set were pretty basic. That amounted to like 10 times in total, and I just naturally assumed that on each of those days, she was enjoying the perks of the open relationship.
Looking back, it was kind of sad because I actually committed to myself not to take advantage of it. I felt like I was having fun too. If it would make her even a little bit envious, I was fine with that. Now, before I get into the next part, I need to let you all know that the city we live in is the same one her parents live in, though they’re about 45 minutes away from our house.
I’ve run into them once or twice throughout the time we’ve been living in the same city. Well, I ran into them about three full months after the open marriage had started. Her parents are deeply religious. When I ran into them, I noticed that her mom seemed a little shifty, and I didn’t understand what was going on.
I asked her if she was okay, and she seemed startled by the question. “We need to tell him. ” She seemed to panic as she said that, clutching her husband’s arm. He tried to shush her, but that didn’t seem to help the way she seemed.
I asked what was wrong. After a long pause, during which she looked at him expectantly, he said we should head to their car to talk. Now, Alicia doesn’t have the most sparkling relationship with her parents, but they sort of get along well enough most of the time, especially now that she’s a full-blown adult. Back around the time we met, though, the relationship was very sour, especially with her mom.
I think their less-than-perfect relationship, or maybe the fact that her parents were deeply religious, was what led them to tell me what they told me instead of asking her directly. Or maybe it was because they hadn’t figured out what to do yet, and I bumped into them at the right time. Her father told me that they had gone to a friend’s birthday dinner a few days prior. Coming out of the dinner’s venue, they saw their daughter and a man who clearly wasn’t me holding each other face to face.
They were about to approach her when they saw the two of them kiss for about a second. They made it clear that they were very sure it was her, and they were very sure the man wasn’ me. However, they didn’t know how to handle it and were still trying to figure out what the next move was meant to be before I bumped into them. It was clear it would have been better for them to seek clarification from their daughter first, but I guess luck went my way.
“Are you fine with that? ” He seemed incredulous. I knew he was a man like me who wouldn’t be a fan of such an arrangement. He was probably a better man than me because I doubt he would have let it slide the way I did.
I was confused and slightly amused as I walked into the house. She shouted, “You! ” I had no idea what was going on, and I expressed that to her. “Why did you tell my parents?
” It was clear at that point that for some reason, they might not have told her about our conversation. She was furious. I told her to calm down, but that didn’t matter to her. She said I should have known that if I could tell anyone, it shouldn’t have been her parents.
It wasn’t a secret, but I had no right to tell them that much about her life. At that point, I told her to quiet down. “You wanted this, didn’t you? You wanted us to be able to sleep with other people.
Is the minor fact that your parents found out enough to crush those dreams? I had to tell them the truth because you put us in that position—not me. You knew I didn’t want this. ”
She tried to backtrack.
“I don’t want to do this open marriage thing anymore. It was a mistake. I don’t want to do this marriage thing anymore. You ruined this entire thing because you wanted to sleep with other people.
If you knew you were so concerned about the opinions of others, you should have thought about that before you opened your legs. ”
The moment she said she wanted to open things, I had been weak. But I had more than enough time to gain my strength, and I didn’t want any more of the relationship. I couldn’t trust her any longer.
I couldn’t even think about touching her after whatever she must have been through. She kept asking me if I was joking, and I kept repeating over and over that I wasn’t. She only believed me when she followed me into our bedroom and I started packing some things up for her. I wasn’t going to leave the house—for her, it was mine, and I was going to make sure she left instead, no matter what.
It took way longer than I wanted because she was in absolute denial. But at the end of the day, I packed up her essentials and put them out on the porch. It was only an hour after that, when it was about 1 a. m.
, that she called her parents. They came to pick her up. They were still disappointed with the whole open marriage thing, but they still tried their best to get her back in my favor. I had made up my mind, though, and I told them to stop wasting their breath because my no was no.
Her dad gave up, but her mom tried a little harder. After that, things got messy. I can’t say she had had enough time for her guilt to turn into vindictiveness—she didn’t make things easy. Of all the things I owned, she wanted the house badly.
She was ready to let everything else go if she could get the house. In the end, she didn’t get it. I’m still paying alimony, which sucks, but I can’t say I’d have rather still been in the marriage with her. I’m fine with the way things go.
Life is too short to keep yourself stuck with somebody who has betrayed your trust the way she did.
