“He feels terrible and is saying all the right things, that I was the last person to deserve this. ”
That’s what my husband of 27 years told me, not even a week after admitting to an eight-year affair. It wasn’t some fling. It was on and off, as he put it, because he felt so guilty.
They worked together. I’d met her several times. On some level, I knew. But hearing the words still gutted me.
He’s sobbing, apologizing, saying all the right things. But he doesn’t regret her. He has strong feelings for her. The only thing he regrets is the pain he caused me.
We have three daughters, college-aged, and our youngest is still a senior in high school. I can’t break this news to them over a video call, so we’re pretending. We’re waiting until everyone is home for Christmas. Pretending is awful.
It’s strained and depressing. He’s been sleeping downstairs for a while, so our youngest hasn’t noticed anything different. This is the worst thing I’ve ever experienced. I feel stupid for not realizing it sooner.
I’m so angry that he let it go on for so long. He’s not seeing her now. I told him if he respected me at all, he’d stop while I was still his wife. But as soon as we’re legally over, I’m sure he will, even though he says he has no plans.
He stayed, he says, so the children would have a stable family. But I know the truth. The moment we’re done, she’s waiting. I hate her.
I’m obsessed with looking her up on social media. I know it’s not healthy. I would not care if something terrible happened to her. We’re waiting on a therapy appointment to discuss the best way to tell our children.
But here’s the hardest part: we’re still friends. I’ve known him for over 30 years. I still love him. Who do I text stupid things to now?
I love his parents, his siblings, and their families. We have such a solid history. I’m struggling to understand what I will be without him. He’s pathetic right now.
Moping, unable to eat. I’ve lost nine pounds myself. I’m getting my own lawyer to check over things, but our joint lawyer will make this easy and amicable. My husband will give me whatever I want.
He admits the affair. He knows he was terribly wrong. I stayed home and raised our children, working only part-time. I have a 26-year-old degree but no career.
He says I won’t have to worry about money, but I know nothing about investing. No 401k. I’m scared. I can’t imagine myself with anyone else.
I feel so lonely, while he has an affair partner waiting on him after this is over. She’s my age. She’s already divorced and has two kids of her own. I don’t want our girls to hate him.
I won’t talk bad about him to them, but I’ll be damned if I make it easy for him to bring her around and make a new family. I’ve set some boundaries. I don’t do anything for him at home anymore. I used to take care of him.
Now I’m 75% ignoring his presence. He understands and accepts anything I throw his way. I’m bitter and jealous, but I’m not built to stay angry all the time. So, we have a truce.
I want him to be okay eventually, but then I don’t want him to be happy without me. Please tell me it will get better. I’m practicing self-care. There are things I want to do to discover who I am without him.
But I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life. The community gave me some blunt advice: listen to my lawyer, get my soon-to-be ex-husband to sign a settlement agreement now while he’s still in the fog, and take him for all I can. They said he’s willing to sign now, but that will change. I should stay amicable until the ink is dry.
They also told me to be curious about why she’s divorced. Two cheaters getting together have a slim chance of surviving long-term. He might have been the reason for her divorce. Here’s the clarification: he owns the company, so there’s no HR.
She was his first employee. He was unhappy at his former workplace nine years ago, and so was she. They bonded over hating their jobs. He started his own business around four years ago, and she was the first person he hired.
I supported him through all his unhappiness. We used to talk a lot more. He definitely kept her from me. I’ve spoken with my daughters’ therapists, so they’ll be aware of what’s coming.
The girls and I are extremely close. In fact, I see now that I’ve been existing on their love and friendship, not my husband’s. But I’m determined not to project my bitterness onto them. They deserve a relationship with their dad, who loves them in spite of all this.
I’m signed up for a women’s financial seminar for the newly divorced. But the comments convinced me to find a lawyer sooner rather than later. I do trust my husband to some extent. His parents would probably withhold his inheritance if he didn’t do right by me.
If he wants to stay on the good side of his children, he’ll take care of me. I’m absolutely getting the house and going for lifelong alimony, even though it’s not common in my state. The affair partner has been divorced twice, actually. The first husband was an addict.
The second one discovered he was gay. So I’m sure she thinks she’s finally hit the jackpot. I told my husband not to be an idiot and marry her, or else he’ll be a jackass paying two alimonies. He hasn’t had any excuses, except that people grow apart.
He says it’s common. I can tell that’s how he justified it to himself. We met when he was 19 and I was 20. We married right after we graduated from college.
I’m 51 now. He said he even knew when he was at the crossroads, and that he was a coward for not trying to work on it with me. He wasn’t happy with himself, but it was a choice he made and continued to make. Minutes after the truth came out, I asked about getting into counseling.
I was willing. He seemed appalled that I would even accept him after what he’s done. He said, “Why would you want to work on it? ”
He’s had years to fall out of love with me.
So I’m way behind. Being hateful and going scorched earth would only hurt me. I know myself well enough for that. But I’m not naive.
Not anymore. I’ll be firm on what I deserve. Me and my new best friend: my lawyer. A few months have passed now.
I asked my husband in October 2024, and he admitted the on-and-off eight-year affair. He’s still living downstairs. It’s a big enough house that there’s room to avoid him completely. This is acceptable to me because the accountants are still untangling some tax issues he had when he set up his business.
There are things I want from him, and I want to make sure I get them in the end. He is slowly moving his things into a new apartment. After a few months of being absolutely feral towards him, I feel very detached. It benefits me to play nice right now because of the deal I’ve made with him.
Part of me feels like I’m selling out. But if it benefits me in the end, then so be it. I’ll stay on the family insurance indefinitely through his company, and I get a percentage of what his business earns every year, with no end date. That’s on top of half of everything he has: 401k, stocks, and the house that’s almost paid off.
He continues to feel horribly guilty that he’s destroyed his family. My lawyer has drawn up the contract, and everything is in there. We’re just waiting on the official number of what the company is worth, so we know the alimony amount. We’re using one lawyer.
We told our girls, aged 18, 19, and 25, over the holiday break when everyone was home. The girls are better now with time, but their relationship with him has been damaged irreparably. He’s been trying to connect with them now more than ever because I told him and the girls I would never be that bridge again. If he loses them, it’s on him.
I’ve learned so much about myself. I’ve gone over my childhood with my therapist to understand how I allowed these red flags to pass me by. Growing up with a narcissistic, alcoholic father taught me to always defer to the man in my life. I was conditioned to not really know what my own needs were, but to please others.
Knowledge is power. For the first time in my life, I’m doing what I want, and it’s the best feeling in the world. I live without considering him at all. And despite him still downstairs, I actually don’t see him that much.
The downside to seeing and talking to him occasionally is that I’m not totally disconnected. I understand that I will likely have feelings and be upset when we finally sign papers. But I truly feel like I’ve turned a corner as far as seeing myself separate from him. I just don’t care anymore.
The girls continue to be closest to me, and I’m absolutely there for them. They are my life. I help my mom take care of my dad, who has alcoholic dementia. I started doing that way before I confirmed the affair.
I’m cautiously happy that I can totally see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have plans. I’ll update again once the accountants have finished. For anyone going through a divorce after a long marriage: you’ll get there.
You’ve taken care of your family and spouse for a long time. Now, it’s time for you. And then there was the drunk confession. My girlfriend, 28, told me she would never cheat on me after coming home from a girl’s night out.
Last weekend, I picked her up from a bar. When we got back to the apartment, I carried her up the stairs, as she said in her words, “A princess should not have to walk. ”
As I carried her, she said, “I would never cheat on you. You’re too good for that,” and gave me a kiss.
I didn’t think much of it at the time because she drank a lot that night. But I’ve been having trouble getting it out of my head. I’ve been cheated on before, and I’ve told my girlfriend that cheating is the ultimate no-no for me. It would cause an instant breakup.
So she knows it’s a touchy topic. Everyone in the comments told me not to worry. She knows I’ve been hurt before. Reassuring me would seem like a good idea to drunk her.
She was just being drunk and trying to be sweet. So, three days later, I talked to her. There is good news and bad news. Good news: my girlfriend didn’t cheat.
When I asked her about the comment, she had absolutely no memory of saying it. Bad news: when asked why she would say something like that, she admitted that one of the girls she was out with, Jane, made out with a guy who was not her boyfriend, John. She said the comment probably came from the fact that the guy Jane was making out with had a few friends who were hitting on her friend group, but lost interest after there were no takers. I voiced my concern that she hadn’t told me any of this.
She agreed that it was crappy and even looked suspicious. She said she was looking for a chance to tell me, but I broached the subject first. She’s going to take it easy when it comes to drinking when I’m not with her. For Jane and John: my girlfriend said Jane had been texting in a group chat saying John was acting cold at the start of the week, and then went radio silent.
I called up John to double-check that he knew, and asked if he wanted to get a beer sometime. He agreed and told me that Jane and he had officially broken up, and she was a mess, constantly texting and calling him. I asked him for Jane’s side of the story so I could match it with what my girlfriend told me. The stories matched up.
She was drinking. A guy came up to her. They flirted. She made a mistake.
Jane hasn’t reached out to my girlfriend or her friends. It’s definitely not the best ending for everyone, but it worked out all right for me. My girlfriend didn’t cheat, and she didn’t try to defend Jane.
That’s a green flag.
