I powered up an old phone, trying to remember whose it was. I wasn’t snooping. But when I opened Messenger, there it was: flirtatious messages, plans to meet. I travel for work a few days each month.
That’s the time they use. Twenty years of marriage, gone. At least we don’t have kids. But divorce where I live is complicated.
It takes years. I’ve ordered a voice-activated recorder to place in her car. I’ll try to access her current phone, see the texts, maybe get a number. Someone in another sub suggested the “infidelity baseball” approach for the confrontation.
It’s a way to get the grimy details. But I don’t know what laws I might be breaking by surveilling her beforehand. Here’s what I’ve learned since then. I have his name, his real one.
He’s a former colleague of mine. I haven’t seen or heard from him in at least five years. When we worked together, we barely interacted. He lives nearby.
I don’t even know how she knows him. I went through the Messenger messages more thoroughly. It’s the most difficult thing I’ve ever read. She’s a different person with him.
With me, she expected romance, no crude language. With him, it’s the exact opposite. He talks to her in degrading terms, and she loves it. They use language she’d get upset with me for using.
There’s no real emotional attachment between them, but he clearly gets her motor running. It makes me sick. Yesterday, during work hours, I watched a live conversation on WhatsApp. He tried to video-call her, and I red-buttoned the call each time.
The oldest messages are three years old, but they don’t start with introductions, so that wasn’t the beginning. I met with a solicitor. He started the paperwork for a separation agreement. He advised me not to move any money, to stay in the house, and not to move out.
He said there are huge legal gray areas with my plans for hidden recording devices. That only changes my plan to reveal evidence to her. I can still use the infidelity baseball approach without revealing my sources. I’ll show up with a journal listing the facts of everything I know.
Still waiting for the voice-activated recorder. I’ve also ordered a camera that looks like a Bluetooth speaker. One important detail I forgot: when I knew the affair partner, he was married. I don’t know if he still is.
I’m leaning toward hiring a private investigator for legal surveillance. I talked to one during the week. It’s not mega-bucks, and it might be worth it for my next trip, which is in less than two weeks. Here’s my progress since the last update.
I secured a PI who confirmed the affair partner is still married. They know his address, but I asked them not to give it to me. I’d rather not know. That’s a recipe for doing something stupid in a moment of weakness.
The PI will provide the evidence they gather to the affair partner’s wife on my behalf. I don’t have to be directly involved. I’m flying out Monday morning and returning Wednesday. The affair partner plans to meet my cheating wife at my house for various short visits that won’t alert his wife.
He’ll go out for a run so he can be away for an hour or more while really visiting my wife. But he’s also planning to stay overnight Tuesday. I don’t know what excuse he gave his wife for that one. The most important thing: the PI should get evidence of him coming and going after telling his wife he’d be somewhere else.
I placed the voice-activated recorder in our fireplace. We don’t use it, and she’ll never look there. It picks up everything said in the sitting room with great clarity. I also have the camera that looks like a Bluetooth speaker.
It’ll be strategically placed in the bedroom. Not everything has gone to plan. I’ve been keeping her away from me by working constantly, but that only works for so long. We normally have an active sex life, at least three times a week.
There’s only so long I can use work and stress as an excuse. She started crawling into bed with me in the middle of the night while I was sleeping in the spare bedroom, initiating. I had to reciprocate or she’d know something was wrong. I felt bad about the mixed signals, but then I remembered what she’s doing.
I decided I’m not moving out. I have no family in Ireland, no one I could impose on. I’ll have to throw her out. Over the weekend, I intercepted an incoming video call from the affair partner on WhatsApp using her old phone.
So now I’ve seen his dick. It’s really not that impressive. I spoke with my solicitor again and now have a draft separation agreement outlining how we’ll handle the split: finances, the house, etc. It states she must move out within 14 days.
I’d prefer sooner, but my solicitor advises being reasonable so she signs. I’ll stay in the house, continue paying the mortgage, and recoup additional contributions when it’s sold. In Ireland, I can’t file for divorce until we’ve been separated for two of the last three years. No dramatic serving of papers moment.
Just the option to serve or send registered mail after two years. Some asked if I could file elsewhere, like Australia. I assumed I had to file in Ireland, but that’s not the case. If needed, I could move there and file.
But I prefer staying in Ireland, where I’ve built my life and career. If she refuses to sign or move out, I’ll book the next flight to Australia, stay with family, secure a faster divorce, and leave her to handle the mortgage. A short-notice flight will be costly, but I can justify using joint funds. Maybe even business class.
Bottom line: she signs and moves out, or I move across the world and get divorced even faster. As for the confrontation strategy, some of you pointed me to the “no contact” or ghosting approach. I love it. It leaves the cheating spouse ruminating about what you know; it’s a kind of psychological torture she imposes on herself.
But that only works if you can pack up and leave. I need her to leave, so there has to be a confrontation. I don’t have to reveal anything about what I’m thinking or feeling. I intend to be a stone wall, demanding information without providing anything in return.
I can tell her when I know she’s lying during the process; I just won’t tell her how I know. I’m not sharing the legally obtained evidence with her either. It goes to the affair partner’s wife. Today is D-Day.
The affair partner is staying over tonight. I have a bedroom camera, a voice-activated recorder in the sitting room, and a PI watching the house. I’m in a UK hotel for work. My first trip since discovering the affair, and my wife’s first chance to meet him since then.
Yesterday, the voice-activated recorder picked up the doorbell at 6:30 p. m. , my wife, and a male voice. I couldn’t make out much due to the TV.
They stayed in the kitchen for about 30 minutes before he left. She spent the evening alone, watching TV, and went to bed at 11. This morning, she acted as usual before leaving for work. Now I wait.
As tempting as it is, I won’t drink. I need a clear head. I had time to think, though sleep deprivation hasn’t helped. Do I really want to see what I’m about to see?
Many say no. But I believe facing the full extent of the betrayal will help with closure and prevent years of speculation and rumination. If my wife asks for forgiveness, I’ll have a crystal-clear picture of what she’s asking me to forgive. Tomorrow’s confrontation will be a mix of ghosting and infidelity baseball.
I can’t vanish completely since I need her to be the one who leaves, but I’ll remain emotionally detached. I’ll interrogate her with known and unknown questions. Each confirmed lie is a strike. Three strikes, and I’m gone for good.
Tonight is about gathering more details, so I have more answers to catch her out lying. If she refuses to leave or sign the separation agreement, I am prepared to leave the country for good. But she doesn’t know that. Live updates:
6:05 p.
m. She’s home. The voice-activated recorder picked up her arriving, the front door closing. 6:30 p.
m. Nothing since. She’s probably in the kitchen. 6:45 p.
m. I have her old phone with me. I connected it to the hotel Wi-Fi. There are messages.
She’s making him lasagna. He’s running late, expects to be there for 7:30. 7:22 p. m.
He’s arrived. I hope he smiled for the camera. The PI is parked somewhere with a view. 7:32 p.
m. They’re in the sitting room eating. TV is off. I can hear their conversation clearly.
Boring stuff: their days at work, the people they work with. It’s weird, like they’re a married couple having everyday conversation. They haven’t seen each other for a month, but it’s so routine, like they do this every night. 7:41 p.
m. First churn in my stomach. She asked him about his kid, some problem at school. The child is between 7 and 9.
Why is she wrecking this poor kid’s family? There’s no sense of self-awareness. I’ve thought a lot about the child involved. Some say it’s not my place to tell the wife.
But what happens to his family is his wife’s business. It’s not my place to withhold the information she needs to decide. 7:54 p. m.
I just heard the curtains close. They make a distinctive noise along the metal rail. 7:58 p. m.
TV is on in the sitting room, but a door opened and closed. 8:00 p. m. Bedroom action.
Actually, it’s just her. She has a towel. She’s about to have a shower. False alarm.
8:24 p. m. She’s drying, straightening, brushing her hair. I checked the audio again.
TV went off at 8:14. He’s talking on the phone to his wife while my wife gets ready to be defiled. Telling her how much he loves and misses her, wishing he didn’t have to travel. He ended by saying he was stepping out for dinner and would call tomorrow.
8:35 p. m. Here comes the sexy lingerie. Stockings, lacy underwear, a little black dress.
I haven’t seen that one before. It must be new. 8:44 p. m.
She left the bedroom. Spent 45 minutes getting ready for him while he watched my TV and lied to his wife. 8:49 p. m.
He’s now in the shower. 8:55 p. m. My wife just pulled out the bottom drawer of a chest of drawers, completely removed it, and pulled out a box hidden underneath.
It’s on the bed now. I can make out the contents. You guessed it. It’s full of personal pleasure items.
She has sex toys hidden in the house for this jerk. We’ve never used them. She always told me she doesn’t like toys. I’m going to call her.
I want to see what lies she spins while sitting next to a box of sex toys with her lover in the shower. 9:02 p. m. Just got off the phone with her.
She lied through her teeth. Told me she was turning in early because she didn’t sleep well last night, because I wasn’t there. Trying to deflect by making me feel bad for traveling. That hit me hardest.
I’m not detecting the slightest bit of guilt or remorse from either of them. Expert liars. 9:04 to 9:21 p. m.
They wasted no time getting intimate. Kissing by the bed, then under the covers. She briefly interrupted to ask for help with a drawer, then laid out towels to avoid cleanup. Things escalated quickly.
He got increasingly physical, leading to a very direct request from her. Difficult to listen to, but eye-opening. 9:27 to 9:28 p. m.
She said it was his turn. Took off her dress, grabbed something from the box, possibly lube. Then I realized the toys weren’t for her. What happened next was beyond anything I expected.
Right now I feel disgust, anger, and betrayal. She’s willing to go to these lengths with him. All I can think about is the practical side: will she even clean that properly? Have I unknowingly slept in the aftermath of this?
9:35 p. m. Things escalated. She told him to be rougher.
There was no sign of protection. That realization hit me hard. They repositioned, and he didn’t hold back. When it was over, she casually brushed it off.
He promised to make it up to her later. I had to step away to process it all. Several questions answered tonight. They risk my health by not using protection.
They risk pregnancy; she’s on the pill, but that’s not 100%. They risk getting caught by leaving a box of evidence in the room. I’ll know tomorrow if she cleans up. I’m thrown by how routine it all is.
I expected more affair-like behavior, genuine excitement at seeing each other after a month. In some ways, that might have softened the blow, because I could attribute it to affair fog. But this was a routine, mundane relationship, like a married couple going through the daily motions. It’s like she’s living a double life with a second, part-time husband.
I could be infected with anything. It’s so selfish and disrespectful. I’m devastated by what I just saw, but I’m glad I saw it. I’m going to harness this anger and pain to create a stone wall for tomorrow’s confrontation.
Now I get to control the narrative. Shutting down for the night. I have a big day ahead. Post-edit, March 6th, 2025: Some people are inquiring about my welfare.
I’m okay. Yesterday was a long day, and now I’m back at work. I’ll publish an update over the weekend.
